it just seems like yesterday that i saw you. it seems so close, yet i know that it will never be the same again. two years ago, i didn't know you existed, and today, you are everything to me. without you, my thoughts seem empty, confused, forced and dark. i am but a ghost of myself, and i can only look on ... and wait for my life to come back to me. i faced the same thing two years ago, same time. and ironically, i'm facing the same thing again this time. i am not complaining ... i
will take the pain, for its mine to own.
i fell in love with you in the first week of meeting and talking to you. later, you told me you didn't care who i was at that time. strangely, i think you feel the same way now too. the more i understood you as a person, your gifts, your abilities, your words, your attitudes, your meanness ... the more i fell in love with you. i didn't love you inspite of them all, i began to love them all. we started out as friends. friends ... for you, for i knew what i wanted from you, just didn't know how to say it, or if i were right to think that way either. you said things which hurt, which pained my heart to know. but i persevered, because i knew that i couldn't be wrong. you were
the person i thought you were, and i knew you would someday come around to love me. sometimes, i hung by a thread to that hope, but slowly, you pulled me up and confirmed what i always knew. i was never wrong to be in love with you. i was never
wrong to love you. you've always blamed yourself and have wanted to change what you feel about me, but i am happy with what you think and feel. all i asked, was to be shown what you felt, and not live in silent affirmation and security, that you'd be there for me no matter what. silence, has never been my prerogative. its what i've adopted, and regretted. i always told you i loved you, and you just smiled in return. it was those times that a word would have moved to reinforce the feeling, the thought.
the years went on, we had some of the loveliest moments. remember night out? the bus ride back to school? i can't ever forget that ... just thinking about it still warms my heart with a rekindled fire. remember the yamuna trip? the ride to the place and then back to school? how beautiful you looked with that innocence on your face, and your head on my shoulder, in dreamland where only you knew what you saw and felt. maybe i was there too ... ... just maybe i was... we used to speak late at nights, you used to whisper and tell me that i shouldn't feel bad if you cut off the phone suddenly, if your parents came in to the room. you never did
cut off the phone, and we ended the conversation with a smile on our faces. sleep came quickly, and dreams were always of you on a green field under a blue sky. something like the windows xp desktop wallpaper :P but everything, just pushed my love to greater heights, and it threatened to burst out anyday. then, it happened. all it took was two months, and then not getting the attention that i had gotten so used to over those two months. you made more friends, and the little bit of security that i had developed, got lost in a day. you became angry, because you thought i was becoming too possessive, and in a week, we broke off ... and then was to start a series of events, which slowly pulled us apart from each other. you made more friends, while i buckled myself into isolation. living with those blissful memories of my angel, and the never diminishing love in my heart, i began the efforts to build back what i had lost. i became more accepting of the other people in your life. i learnt to back away when asked to, and not feel bad when you didn't talk to me. i realised, that to keep you as a friend, i was sacrificing all the things i cherished, and all the feelings that i held so close to me. you were changing, and so was i. you didn't think of me as you used to, and i couldn't understand what was happening.
many things happened, which caused insurmountable amount of pain. i spent weeks on end without sleep and just spending days in a daze. my studies suffered, i lost valuable time. people around me had never seen me like this, and you either chose not to see all this, or you just didn't care. twice, it came close to being over, of us going our own seperate ways. and both times, our collective efforts kept it in existence. those efforts seem so futile today...
then, something happened which looked to me like the ray of hope that i had come to desperately seek. and once shown the chance, i didn't lose it. i doubled my efforts to bring us back to what we used to be, and suddenly, i didn't have to try so hard anymore. it was as spontaneous as it was in the beginning of the year. we started talking more, you began enjoying my company more. i loved talking to you again. we had a lot of things to talk about, and so little time to do it in. everything was falling back in place. 'i just might believe in god, yet' i thought... ... if i only knew...
you became more accepting to my faults, and forgiving of my mistakes. i kept my anger to myself, and hurts locked up in my heart. we made compromises that kept us together, and all our differences seemed so irrelevant. it just felt right, and felt in place
, like what happened was meant
to be. but, life had other plans. it showed me that in the battle that i fought to keep you, it always had had the upper hand. it just played with me, gave me a false sense of hope, that i might win yet. it was plotting, planning to strike the final blow. it hit when it was expected. i saw it coming, but couldn't do anything about it. nothing was in my hands anymore. and in a flash, i lost it all ...
today, i stand alone on the rock, which i had once explained to you so vividly. the same rock, that i had wanted to be on with you next to me, looking down on a city, and watching the sunset over the horizon. today i stand, with the sun gone down, the city covered under a layer of fog, and the moon looking down on me with an angry shade of orange. i can no longer put you through more pain because of my insecurities, and my hurts. my anger and life are my own. i have been blessed to know you, and have your love and company for whatever time i did. i'll never forget what you did for me, and i'll never forget what you mean to me. you'll always be with me in my heart, in my thoughts and in my dreams. those memories are what will keep me going when all else fails. a memory, that somewhere i have an angel, who i love very much. and is the reason that i spent two years of my life, the happiest boy on earth.
so, with a tip of my hat, a raised glass and a tear down my cheek ... i wish you the very best, and the happiest life anyone could ask for. you deserve every bit of it, for you truly are an angel, a princess, and most of all, a great friend. it was a pleasure knowing you. remember! she will be loved ... and i'll always love you
Filed Under: tribute